Do not strive for eating disorders, do not say you want it, because you do not. It is not glamorous, it is not a way to lose weight. It is a disease, a cruel disease that takes life.

Image: Yoann Boyer on Unsplash



This writes Maria in a guest post on hjelptilhjelp.no. There she writes, among other things:

The first time I vomited after a meal I was 16 years old. I had been struggling with anorexia for many years at this time, and was very trapped in the eating disorder.

I thought that throwing up was a great way to get rid of food others expected me to eat and that I was not able to avoid. I stood over the toilet that summer day until I had no more food, tears or energy left. Before I sank to the floor and sat there for a long time.

I regretted what I had done. I felt disgusted and it felt like everyone could see. That I, Maria, had vomited on purpose.





Still, I stood in the same place the next day, because I had visitors (and therefore had to eat). I had eaten more than I would be able to lose by exercise, and I was desperate.

It quickly became a habit, suddenly I had an easy solution on how to pretend I did not have anorexia. Now I could eat a little bit, and then disappear into the bathroom afterwards. And no one knew.

I have spent 9 years of my life living with the eating disorder. 9 years, it's almost half my life. Maybe I should have had a revelation last week when I fainted, again, but the eating disorder is so strong inside me that I can not listen to reason. And it hurts, it hurts when something is stronger than yourself. When you fail to control your own actions.

Do not strive for eating disorders, do not say you want it, because you do not. It is not glamorous, it is not a way to lose weight. It is a disease, a cruel disease that takes life.





 

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